I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
How's work?
Spinning.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
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Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize