What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
