You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
