so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
