Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
