I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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