its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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