I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
