Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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