Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
