I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
