Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
