I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
