I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
