I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Is it because I queefed?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
