do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
