my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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