I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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