She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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