I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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