He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
