she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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