I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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