wrigley field is MILF paradise
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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