remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
