you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
