At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
