I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
