is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
