I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
