Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
