I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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