My Higher Power is John Stamos
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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