Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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