Pappa wants mamma naked
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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