Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
