.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
