I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
