Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
