y did u give ur computer a hand job?
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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