Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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