I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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