He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
