I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I've blown a few things in my day
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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