sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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