it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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