I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
this is an emotional support booty call
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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