My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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