i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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