The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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