I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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