Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
In America we eat man semen.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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