I need to stop coming to work sober
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
