i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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