The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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