Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
